Worthless or Priceless?

English is a weirdly put together construct.

According to Merriam Webster, "priceless" means having a value beyond any price and "worthless" means useless, contemptible, and despicable.  However, "price" means the cost at which something is obtained and "worth" means the value of something measured by its qualities or the esteem in which it is held.

It would seem, looking at the words themselves that "priceless" and "worthless" ought to be synonyms.  The words "price" and "worth" used to be considered synonyms, after all.  That is not how the English language works though.  Priceless is something beyond all measure of wonder, and worthless is the bottom of the bucket, scum of the earth.  Two words, that by all rights and means should mean the same, are turned into antonyms by English.

My depression often makes me feel worthless, but at one point someone who cared turned that word around for me.  Worthless then meant worth more than any price.  I'm struggling now, but I am holding onto that.  I have people showing me that, even when my brain is loud and raging against me, my worthlessness is in reality priceless and that I truly matter.

This is the dichotomy of my life.

Her Guardian

The uneven forest floor tore at her feet, her stockings long since shredded in her flight.  The cold of the moonlit night barely numbed the pain and the faint sounds of pursuit growing closer confirmed her trail was impossible to hide.  She threw herself down among the roots of a tree, her heart pounding as she gasped for breath, hoping for concealment among the shadows. She burrowed the fresh gentle curves of her body into her shawl in a likely futile attempt to hide its treasure from their ravenous eyes, dread filling her as the crude slurred comments drew ever closer, leaving no doubt to their intentions as though the already forming bruises had left any.

Curled up tight, eyes screwed shut, silently praying they might miss her in the darkness, her body stiffened in shock as an unexpected wave of safety and comfort washed over her with a wafting scent at once familiar and exotic.  The sounds of the men dulled in her ears as she felt soft, heated velvet nuzzling against her, the musky, sun-drenched scent of horse and jasmine enveloping her. Her eyes opened, her face tipping up, caressed by draping strands of deep midnight forelock and mane, his curling obsidian horn standing guard over her like a sword for a mere instant.

The brutal men forgotten, she blinked transfixed by him as he stepped back, his hooves silent on the leaf litter, instantly gone in the stillness of the night.  The stench of booze and man suddenly crashed down around her, the alien glow of torches intruding on the magic of the moment, her breath catching in horror as reality clarified around her.  Rough calloused hands grabbed her, ripping her from the scant safety of the tree roots as they ripped at her clothes. She fought against their grasp, twisting and biting with strength she didn’t know she had, gasping breath to scream into the uncaring blackness.

Still kicking and fighting, it was a moment before she realized the attacker in front of her was gurgling a scream of pain, his back arching, arms flung out, hot flecks of his blood soaking onto her night-cooled skin.  She staggered back, frantically trying to take in what she was witnessing as the men around her reacted too slowly, releasing her too late as confusion bloomed on their faces. The confusion shattered into fear as as incarnation of terror tore through them, horn drenched in flowing blood, mane dripping with it as one after the other fell watering the roots of the forest with their life’s blood.

Scant seconds later peaceful silence returned to the forest as the men’s bodies came to a final rest among the leaves and roots.  In shock, her back plastered against rough bark, the remnants of her clothes nothing but shreds, she absently smeared blood across her face with the back of her hand in a failed attempt to clean herself as she tried to make sense of it all.  Emerging from the darkness, his dark warm presence was once again enveloping her in safety and comfort, the soft velvet nose that nuzzled her now damp although the night didn’t allow her to see the blood against his midnight hide. She leaned her forehead to his, resting cuddled beneath his horn, allowing herself a moment to bask in the magic of her protector and hide from the horror of the world.

Coming to terms with being disabled, but not legally so

Disability is defined as a physical, mental, cognitive, or developmental condition that impairs, interferes with, or limits, a person's ability to engage in certain tasks or actions or participate in typical daily activities and interactions and as an impairment (such as a chronic medical condition or injury) that prevents someone from engaging in gainful employment. (from www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/disability)

By both parts of that definition, I am disabled.  My conditions, all put together, significantly limit me on a daily basis and I have not been physically able to work a full-time job, or even a regularly scheduled part-time job, for years.  It's been a struggle as it is to educate my children, be my son's aide twice a week at school up until this year, and squeeze in as much side work as my body will allow.

This has been something that has been very hard for me to come to terms with.  I kept hoping things would get better and I would miraculously go back to the functionality I had for most of my life.  It is amazingly hard to accept that this body that I inhabit, that for years was very responsive and obedient to my wishes, that allowed me to work construction, do marathon arts and crafts sessions, and that birthed, fed and lugged around two children, now can't pick up a gallon of milk some days.

It was even harder to come to terms with when so many people kept saying things like, "Oh, it's just the aging process.  Everyone has aches and pains when they get older."  I'm turning forty-two this year.  The vast majority of forty-two-year-old women with my history and habits are not in constant pain every day, but the message of "Suck it up and deal," is a very powerful one in our culture if you are young (enough) and appear to be healthy.  

That's the other thing, I look healthy.  I'm not wheelchair bound.  I don't need a cane (most days) or slings/braces (also most days).  Generally, none of my issues show on the outside.  In fact, to try and improve symptoms, I lost a lot of weight.  Now I am more slender and still have all the health problems I did before.  People notice the weight loss, not the limp (in part because the physical therapists pounded it into my head to avoid limping if at all possible) or the careful way I have to get up and down from a seated position or the fact I often avoid carrying anything remotely heavy or how I freeze when faced with sudden change.  

The long road to finding actual diagnoses did not help the process.  It was one problem stacking on top of another, stacking on top of another over years.  It turns out in the end that many of them are intertwined symptoms rather than diagnoses on their own.  The whole process, from beginning to end, from the time I first started trying to solve some of the related health issues was at least five years.

When I finally admitted to myself that maybe, just maybe, I'm not going to get back to a point where I can work reliably, I looked into going on disability.  What I learned is that the system is rigged against people like me.  It sounds cynical, but unless you have worked enough in the past five years to have earned enough credits then you do not qualify for SSDI.  I obviously haven't because I have been disabled and trying to recover to a point where I wasn't and, on top of that, I was raising my kids, homeschooling, and acting as my son's aide on a volunteer basis, none of which counts for disability credits.  

I also don't qualify for SSI which is where I was pointed when the credits problem was explained.  To qualify for that, I would have to get divorced and get my name off one of the cars, close my business bank account, etc and so on because we make too much as a couple for me to qualify for that either.  The cut-off, by the way, appears to be $1500 a month for a couple at least in California and you can't really have any property of any value.  While that is just above the federal poverty level for a couple, we have two dependents which doesn't seem to be factored into the SSI information at all.  

Not to mention that finding ANY clear, concise information concerning requirements and income levels and all of that is a full-time job in and of itself and caused me massive anxiety attacks.  The Social Security Office wasn't helpful.  The local support agencies weren't helpful.  Even my health insurance company which has a kind of advocate for such things wasn't helpful.  It feels like the whole process is set up to make people give up.

(This was written the summer of 2018 and I forgot to publish it then.  Some things have changed and I hope to post about them soon, but I figured I should put this up in the meantime.)

How to Make America Great Again

The United States is consistently being ranked below other countries in areas like healthcare, paid leave, parental supports and so on, while being ranked way up there in income inequality, poor maternal outcomes, gun violence, incarceration and other things that are, simply put, not so good.  I keep seeing people calling us the greatest nation and wanting to "Make America Great Again!!!" (tm).  I'm also seeing these very same people trashing the other countries who are having better outcomes than we are and saying things like, "We don't want to be like Europe!" and "That won't work here in 'Murica!"

Now, let's take a look back at our history, shall we?  What made our country what it is?  What made it strong?  What made us reach the lofty heights that we have?  We took what worked and tossed the rest, very literally in fact.  The United States is built from people from all over the world coming here (or being forcibly brought here) with all their different backgrounds, beliefs, cultures and ideals and then tossing all of that in a blender and turning it on high.  We came from a mixing pot of races, creeds, ideals, you name it.  America took what worked and left what didn't.  That is how we succeeded historically.

How (and why) did we go from that beautiful place of strength to "EHRMERGERD!  If it works elsewhere super well then we HAVE to NOT do it here no matter what!!!" (with a side of "Immigrants BAD!!!").  Exactly what is stopping us from analyzing what works where it does work and then adapting that for use in the United States?  Better yet, why aren't we doing that, adding a big dash of the "American Way," and then doing it better than the place(s) we borrow the concepts from?  Why can't we take what they are doing well and do it better?  Isn't that what America is about?  When did we turn from world leaders into weaklings too afraid to face our own faults?  Are we so ashamed that we have allowed ourselves to fall so far behind the rest of the world that we'd rather allow places in America, like Alabama, to exist at third world levels than to pull ourselves up out of the mess we've made for ourselves by copying and improving on already proven models and make America truly great again?

Enough is Enough

We as a culture have been ok with allowing opinions to hold as much power as facts for too long.


I have been avoiding Facebook because my levels of severe depression and hopelessness over the sheer level of denial that exists among people in this country have been shooting up pretty much everytime I am on there. Too many intelligent people I know are selfishly wearing blinders and ignoring all the actual data that is out there. People won't think for themselves or look at data or listen to reason. It's like people worshipping at the feet of the golden calf, but this is a golden gun.


It is proven fact that being male, growing up abused, suffering from addiction, having a previous history of violence, and having access to weapons are the main causes of violence in America. All of these need to be addressed, starting with the issues that can be dealt with most expediently.


I am no longer engaging ANYONE in discussions about reasonable gun control and how to change the tides of what is happening in our country. I will keep sharing things on social media as I feel necessary. If you spew blind ignorance and proof that you refuse to look at any actual data in response to anything I share you will be ignored and your response may be deleted if you start insulting me or anyone who is looking at actual facts.


I REFUSE to show tolerance for people's uninformed opinions anymore. The proof is there. It is there worldwide. If you don't want to bother to do your research (when the research is easily available) then you are choosing to be ignorant and I do not have to pamper you by giving your opinions based on any lack of actual information even a nod of respect.


We as a culture have been ok with allowing opinions to hold as much power as facts for too long. I no longer sit back and pander to uninformed opinions. I am done. I am taking a stand for factual data.

Individualism vs. Community

I think one of the things we as a culture need to consider is the whole "self-esteem" push. Yes, each of us matters. Yes, we don't want to base all of our decisions on what other people think. Yes, we should be happy in our own skin and confident in ourselves. No, people shouldn't judge other people. But... Humans do judge. Humans are well known for making snap decisions based on first impressions.


It's all well and good to say, "Be yourself!" but if being yourself involves no personal hygiene you shouldn't be surprised when no one wants to get within ten feet of you. If being yourself means showing no compassion or empathy for others then you aren't going to get very far in life. If being yourself means treating other people as less or as inconsequential then we end up with a lot of the problems we are now suffering from in this world.


I've talked about this with my boys. Other people's opinions of you DO matter. They matter in class, in the workforce, and socially. If a teacher likes you, you will have a better time in that class. If you antagonize your boss or coworkers, work will be miserable. If you don't consider your friends' wants and needs, you will soon find yourself without friends.


One of the big differences between our culture and others where there are more tightly knit community values and smoother social interactions is that those other countries place a HUGE value on respect for others and community as well as recognize that each person's actions affect the community around them.  They understand the concept of manners as social grease and the fact that it is easier for one person to get ahead if the whole group does, that one person alone can do nothing without the community that they grew from.


In America, we idolize the individual, which is great, but what is not great is when it is done at the expense of valuing the community that surrounds each person.  A superstar isn't a superstar in a vacuum.  They have crews, fans, and a social support network.  No one can go it alone and it's high time we as a country wake up to that fact.

Talk to Your Kids about Suicide and Depression Before It Is Too Late

As a parent who suffered from suicidal ideation when I was a teenager, I would like to bring something to the attention of all the parents out there. We tell our kids to talk to us if they get hurt, have weird physical symptoms, or are being bullied. They know that blood coming out of their bodies where it's not supposed to is bad. They know that there are medications to help various physical health problems, inhalers for asthma, etc.


How many of you have told your kids that thoughts like, "No one would care if I was gone" or "I'm useless and just cause problems" are symptoms of depression and not actual, real, true thoughts? That no matter what those thoughts whisper deceptively in their minds, you and their friends would absolutely miss them and be devastated if anything ever happened to them?


How many of you have explained what suicidal ideation is? Not just, "If you ever want to kill yourself you should tell someone," but pointing out that wanting to give up on everything, losing interest in things that you used to enjoy, and so on are also very dangerous symptoms of depression?


How many of you have told them that symptoms like that are caused by brain chemical imbalances and that there are medications out there that can help? That you will always take them seriously and take care of them even if the symptoms are mental and not physical?


Bringing up depression and suicidal ideation will NOT cause it. It will, however, give your kids a baseline of what is healthy and what is not when it comes to their mental health. They will know those thoughts are false and symptoms and not real and something to act on.


Just like it can be hard to talk to them about abuse and kidnapping and other things we, as parents, never want to happen to them, mental health discussions can be hard. We all want to think it will never be our kid. A lot of people keep thinking it won't be their kid until their kid acts on the symptomatic thoughts though. Please don't put yourself in that position.