Individualism vs. Community

I think one of the things we as a culture need to consider is the whole "self-esteem" push. Yes, each of us matters. Yes, we don't want to base all of our decisions on what other people think. Yes, we should be happy in our own skin and confident in ourselves. No, people shouldn't judge other people. But... Humans do judge. Humans are well known for making snap decisions based on first impressions.


It's all well and good to say, "Be yourself!" but if being yourself involves no personal hygiene you shouldn't be surprised when no one wants to get within ten feet of you. If being yourself means showing no compassion or empathy for others then you aren't going to get very far in life. If being yourself means treating other people as less or as inconsequential then we end up with a lot of the problems we are now suffering from in this world.


I've talked about this with my boys. Other people's opinions of you DO matter. They matter in class, in the workforce, and socially. If a teacher likes you, you will have a better time in that class. If you antagonize your boss or coworkers, work will be miserable. If you don't consider your friends' wants and needs, you will soon find yourself without friends.


One of the big differences between our culture and others where there are more tightly knit community values and smoother social interactions is that those other countries place a HUGE value on respect for others and community as well as recognize that each person's actions affect the community around them.  They understand the concept of manners as social grease and the fact that it is easier for one person to get ahead if the whole group does, that one person alone can do nothing without the community that they grew from.


In America, we idolize the individual, which is great, but what is not great is when it is done at the expense of valuing the community that surrounds each person.  A superstar isn't a superstar in a vacuum.  They have crews, fans, and a social support network.  No one can go it alone and it's high time we as a country wake up to that fact.

Talk to Your Kids about Suicide and Depression Before It Is Too Late

As a parent who suffered from suicidal ideation when I was a teenager, I would like to bring something to the attention of all the parents out there. We tell our kids to talk to us if they get hurt, have weird physical symptoms, or are being bullied. They know that blood coming out of their bodies where it's not supposed to is bad. They know that there are medications to help various physical health problems, inhalers for asthma, etc.


How many of you have told your kids that thoughts like, "No one would care if I was gone" or "I'm useless and just cause problems" are symptoms of depression and not actual, real, true thoughts? That no matter what those thoughts whisper deceptively in their minds, you and their friends would absolutely miss them and be devastated if anything ever happened to them?


How many of you have explained what suicidal ideation is? Not just, "If you ever want to kill yourself you should tell someone," but pointing out that wanting to give up on everything, losing interest in things that you used to enjoy, and so on are also very dangerous symptoms of depression?


How many of you have told them that symptoms like that are caused by brain chemical imbalances and that there are medications out there that can help? That you will always take them seriously and take care of them even if the symptoms are mental and not physical?


Bringing up depression and suicidal ideation will NOT cause it. It will, however, give your kids a baseline of what is healthy and what is not when it comes to their mental health. They will know those thoughts are false and symptoms and not real and something to act on.


Just like it can be hard to talk to them about abuse and kidnapping and other things we, as parents, never want to happen to them, mental health discussions can be hard. We all want to think it will never be our kid. A lot of people keep thinking it won't be their kid until their kid acts on the symptomatic thoughts though. Please don't put yourself in that position.

Patrons of the Arts Love Patreon

I just launched my Patreon page today and I'm so excited! Patreon is a website which allows people pledge an amount of money each month (as low as $1) to gain access to an artist and their work which then allows the artist more time to focus on actually making art instead of figuring out how to get bills paid. It is a modern platform building on the rich history of the patronage of the arts.

Please visit my Patreon page and think about becoming one of my wonderful patrons who get to be part of the exclusive group that gets access to all of my patron only content like updates about projects, unique arts and crafts, made on request items, art critiques, even lessons!

For those of you who do not already know this, I am a jack-of-all-arts/crafts.  I have a Bachelor of Fine Arts from the University of San Francisco through their co-op program with the Academy of Art College where I specialized in equine oil painting.  Since then I have gone on to own my own arts and crafts business creating many different yarn, fabric, bead, and other sundry crafts over the years.  I have also taught art classes at multiple venues.    

It is my hope that Patreon will give me the incentive to find the time to make more art, the funding to afford that time, and, most importantly, a venue where lovers of arts and crafts can follow me on my journey and get an in-depth view of the creative process.  No artist survives without a community.  I hope you will be a part of mine!

To all guys out there that want to find a woman to spend their life with

A friend posted a video on Facebook, asking if the advice contained was good dating advice.  I know that dating is hard and it’s particularly hard for people with social skills disorders, but it’s ignorant word vomit like that video that messes it up for everyone!  I refuse to link to the video because they certainly do not deserve hits, but here is my response to my friend, unedited and full of shock at the misogynistic stupidity of it.  Warning, cursing is involved.:

It's a complete load of crap. Issue one, they only use the term "girls" not "women" which is immediately condescending. Issue two, they are the whole reason people play games with each other! Holy crap!!! Telling people to play games around dating is the EXACT reason so many people have issues with dating!!! I can see waiting a bit and getting to know them a bit before asking them out on a date and making sure the first date is more along the lines of, "Hey, let's get together and hang out doing this thing we both like" rather than "Let me take you out to a nice restaurant and be all proper date like."

They are basically telling you to do exactly all the wrong things. They are morons. They are teaching all the wrong things to perpetuate the completely sick cycle of other humans as commodities.

In reality, if someone I like does not text me back or ditches me (for no reason, pain doesn't count) it's a really strong mark against allowing that human into my life. They are proving they are not dependable and are rude.

I'm listening to it as I type and seriously, these guys are assholes. They are exactly the entire problem that exists with dating. A girl either likes you for who you are or they don't. Playing games might cause some interest in a very unhealthy way at the very beginning of a relationship, but that is a horrid way to start any long term relationship. Unless you plan to keep up being an asshole the whole time you are with them because that is the person they are getting to know, of course.

HOLY CRAP!!! NO ONE wants to be made jealous!!!! WTeverlovingF????

Notice in the comments there is nothing from women? They obviously screen those comments out. So all it looks like is positive feedback.

The one thing I will give them is that touch is a good tester, but the high five things is dumb a hell. Also some people are touch sensitive. I could see if you have known a lady for a bit of time and feel comfortable together placing a hand on an arm and if she doesn't move away that's a good sign, but it sure as hell isn't a sign that you should go in for a kiss. You can only judge that by the person you are with and their body language. If you stand close and they move away they probably don't want to be close, but that could also be space sensitivity (I'm like that with almost all humans), but if they linger close it's most likely a good sign, unless of course they are space blind. And of course if you screw up and do it in a creepy way, no one would want to be close.

Bottom line, be you and act like you and treat them the way you feel it is right to treat them and women will be interested or not. Give them what you would like or what they seem to act like they would like and let it evolve organically not following some stupid "girl" baiting rules. Trust me, no women you would want to spend your time with would want you to act like these guys suggest. Women you would want to spend your time with are not that shallow and superficial... as a general rule.

Basically if you are looking for dating advice and find something that involves “baiting” “girls” or anything involving the term “PUA” in any way shape or form, run the other direction.  If all you are after is plunging your stick in any random hole, that’s on you, but if you want an actual relationship with a respectable female human that bull won’t help you find a woman in that category.  Even if any of that junk worked on a respectable woman you are getting into a relationship via a lie.  You would not want to be with someone that you didn’t love for who they truly were so don’t do that to someone else.  Lies are not a good way to begin a relationship. Period.  Be YOURSELF!  Believe it or not people will love you for who you are.  If they don’t, you wouldn’t want to spend your life with them anyway!

P.S. Seriously though, don't strive to be an example of the reason why so many women are extra suspicious about men.

Doctors, specialists, and surgeries, oh my! Or why I have to laugh instead of cry

Many know that I've had some stupid health issues going on. It's really been doing a number on my self-esteem and my ability to cope with life in general. I decided to list everything from when the worst of it started, just to get an idea of what I had actually been through. Some minor things happened before this, but this has all happened in the last two years along with a lot of upheaval in my personal life. Putting this all down and seeing it in black and white was both shocking, depressing and uplifting all at once. It's a hell of a lot to go through in two years and, all things considered, I could be a lot worse off at this point. I am so grateful for health insurance and for the doctors that would actually listen, not to mention the people in my life who have stood by me and supported me through all of this. I couldn't have done it without you.

• July 2015 - Visited emergency room with stomach pain that at the time was believed to be related to my gall bladder and was told to see a gastrointestinal specialist.
• August - October 2015 - Massive amounts of tests with the GI specialist ending with a diagnosis of possible IBS and the definite diagnosis of a small hiatal hernia.  Given no meds and told to come back if it gets worse.  At this point I had 24/7 pain between a 3-5 as well as constant nausea and with unpredictable and uncontrollable diarrhea.
• January 2016 - Visited my primary care doctor and begged him to do something, ANYTHING, to help me.  He have me a prescription for Prilosec.  Three days later I was back to normal except for occasional pain or stomach flare ups.
• March 2016 - Diagnosed with severe anemia.  Talked with primary care doctor about switching Prilosec to a medication that was less likely to block iron.  Switched to Pepcid.
• April 2016 - First iron infusion.  Started weight loss medication.
• April 2016 - July 2016 - Hand therapy for carpal tunnel and tendonitis (again... it was my third round of hand therapy since 2012, I believe).
• June 2016 - Bunion surgery.  Intense pain response. Keloid scarring.
• August 2016 - Second iron infusion.  Hysterectomy with a bad pain response and poor recovery needing additional meds and several months more recovery than expected.
• October 2016 - Surgery to remove screws and Keloid scar from my foot.  I’ve now had plastic surgery!
• December 2016 - March 2017 - Physical therapy for my foot.
• March 2017 - May 2017 - Physical therapy for my hip and posture.  Cold laser therapy.
• March 2017 - Emergency scleral banding surgery for a prolapsed retina.  Extreme pain response and an overnight trip to the ER.
• April 2017 -  Asperger’s/high functioning autism diagnosis.  Stopped weight loss medication with a loss of over 30 lbs.  Started the muscle relaxer cyclobenzaprine.
• June 2017 - Fibromyalgia diagnosis.  Started a trial of Lyrica.

Firbromyalgia is:

• Waking up tired and hurting more than when I went to bed.
• Having to schedule recovery days after any day where I exert myself at all.
• Ditto for days when I encounter any stress.
• Doctors not believing my pain levels.
• Considering a pain level of 3 as baseline normal.
• ITCHING for no good reason!
• Cold and tingling feet when it’s 80 degrees outside.
• Never knowing ahead of time how functional I will be on any given day.
• Memory issues even worse than those caused by the brain damage.
• Suddenly struggling to focus on things when I have the ability to hyperfocus.
• Never knowing when my gut will behave itself. (Bonus: This is exacerbated by the hernia.)
• Having to relearn my physical capabilities.
• Trying everything possible to get relief, but only finding a few things that partially help.
• Having to budget my spoons/spells that much more carefully.
• My skin being so sensitive that clothing hurts.
• How does pain burn???
• Relief in knowing that there is an explanation and that it’s not something worse.

A Year of Advocacy Hell

I just found this writing from years ago that never got posted, so I'll share it now.

I figured I would add this for those of you who haven't heard the trials and tribulations we went through to get Wolf into the school he is in now.

In July 2008 I read an article about gifted kids and said "This sounds like Wolf." I went online and did some research (ok, a WHOLE lot of research). It turns out that most kids aren't doing math when they are three, I honestly had no idea that was out of the ordinary. In my research I found out about early Kindergarten entrance and contacted my district to find out if it was an option in our area. Mind you, at that point I wasn't gung ho about placing him in K early, I JUST wanted to know if it was possible. Mid August 2008 I finally found one person in the school district who actually both knew the answer and was not rude to me about it which was a nice change. I was then put in contact with the charter system and told that Wolf could start with one of their schools (homeschool based system) that fall. We had never planned to homeschool so that was an adjustment, but it did make sense for Wolf. Shortly afterwards I was told he could not actually start that fall because the school was full (which the principal of the school later told me was a lie). I was told by the district to homeschool Kindergarten in 08-09 so we did and I just let him go at his own pace.


I quickly realized that a grade skip, in other words starting 1st grade when he was five, would do him a lot of good. It would be a closer academic fit, he was ready for it socially and then he wouldn't have to skip later when there was more social stigma and stress involved. I talked with the principal of the charter schools again to see about getting him placed in first grade in fall 2009. Much hassle ensued and as well as much disbelief in his abilities. The principal finally suggested that I give him grade assessment tests at home. I think they wanted to prove to me that I was seeing things that weren't there, or was pushing him, either way that I was ruining his childhood, etc... I asked what we should do if he aced them, they said come back and get the next level. By the time I asked for grade 3 math they were getting really tired of us.


I checked out several of the charter's programs to see if any of them would work for Wolf. Both Wolf and I were treated rudely by several of the well known and respected teachers we met. Wolf was blatantly talked down to and our interest in the programs was pretty much disregarded as soon as they knew his age. The teacher even said, "Oh, don't worry some of the parents bring their preschoolers so he'll have kids to play with." Seriously? We finally had an appointment with the teacher of the charter he would probably end up in and I spent a half an hour being lectured about how I was not allowing him to be a child. I didn't even get to ask most of my questions about the program. I drove home crying and feeling completely defeated. That was the last straw.


I ended up calling the Independent Study program in the neighboring district. I had talked with them before when we had thought about moving there. I told the teacher all about Wolf and what he could do. She loved the idea of having him as a student. Then I told her the thing that turned everyone else off, he would be five in August 2009. She had no idea what the problem with that was. She said he was my kid and I knew him better than she did. She was willing to take everything I said sight unseen. She also specifically requested that he be her student and was willing to fight to get a transfer to go through if that was what it would take.


We applied for a interdistrict transfer and they were going to make us go through a bunch of red tape since we hadn't even enrolled in our home district yet. However, the person in charge of the process was the first person I had talked to in our home district and I told her exactly what had happened, including all the mistreatment and lies (some of which she had been a part of), and she pushed it through on her end rather than face me going up the chain of command. We had to wait until the day school started before we got the official confirmation that the transfer went through, but it did and Wolf gleefully blasted his way through his first grade work and his second grade math. He even got to study Logic and Spanish to help keep him challenged. He loved it and the fit was perfect.

Wolf actually ended up back in our home district after several years (and an almost complete staff change in the charter program) having rules bent to allow him to to attend the 6-8 grade middle school program when he was enrolled in 5th grade and young fourth grade aged. That happened all thanks to his teacher in the Independent Study program who was retiring and wanted to make sure he ended up someplace that worked for him.

It took a year learning that school districts and a large percentage of school staff are less interested in a child's education than keeping the status quo and fitting all the pegs in their round holes whether or not the pegs themselves are round or square, but we found the perfect fit in the end and that is all that matters.

Us vs. Them: Racism, Religious Prejudice and Violence

It seems like every day at least one article about violence stemming racism, homophobia, or religious prejudice (or all of the above) comes through my newsfeed. I can recognize where the violence and bigotry come from: fear, ignorance, a deep seated sense of powerlessness, and primitive brain defensive mechanisms. Recognizing that doesn’t excuse it though; it condemns it. If we can recognize where these actions come from we, as a supposedly intelligent species, should be able to rise above and be better than this.

We are wired to classify the things in our lives. “Us vs. Them” thinking kept us safe and alive for a very long portion of human history. That which is unknown, or at least unlike the norm, always has the potential to be dangerous simply because we do not know that it isn’t. When we classify a thing as dangerous just because it is different it behooves us to study it to determine if our knee jerk reaction is correct or just an ancient fight or flight reflex. The problem is the way we learn about it can cause just as many problems as the original fear response.

So many people look for things to strengthen their prejudices and discard information that doesn’t with no concern about the reliability of the source of either type of information. They make assumptions without knowing anything about the people or subject involved, or based on just the most superficial of facts. They choose to strengthen their own fears rather than admit that they might be wrong. It’s easier and safer for the ego to vilify the “enemy” than to understand them. The media seems to have been actively supporting this with clickbait headlines, massively polarized articles, and "fake news."

When people don’t have power in their own lives for whatever reason (poverty, lack of education, lack of experience) it is easy to boost themselves up with the belief that they are somehow better than another group or that the other group is the reason for some aspect of their difficulties. When fear and powerlessness come together with the desire to do something about it people lash out, but they lash out where they can feel like they have power. They do not lash out at prey that might fight back and win, instead they attack those who are seen as weaker. They might even spout propaganda, like “The poor Muslim women are subjugated by the evil murderous Muslim men and sharia law!,” but then lash out at the terrifying spectre of Islam and sharia law wherever they can thereby taking control of their fear so as to not feel powerless against it. Adult white “Christian” men attacking Muslim girls and women are a good example of this. They neither see the hypocrisy of this, nor how it blatantly shows their fear and lack of power.

All of us can make steps against this type of fear and ignorance. Recognize your own prejudices and work to move past them. Educate yourself. Don’t believe the clickbait. Check sources. Look for multiple reputable sources. Make your voice heard when people say things that you recognize come from prejudice, ignorance, fear or powerlessness instead of truth. Stop supporting the idea that ignorance, fear, and the need to beef up macho power is an acceptable excuse for appalling verbal and physical behavior. The world is not Christian vs. Muslim, rich vs. poor, nor is it white vs. any other color. Look at it this way, the only Us vs. Them thinking we need to be doing at this point in our evolution is ”informed caring humans vs. those who haven’t reached that point yet” and the goal is not to shun or harm the people who are hiding behind a wall of fear and ignorance, but to inform them and help them past it so we can all work together to make our world a safe place for all people no matter thier color or creed.

They Never Told Me: Ruminations on Aging and Expectations

When I was a little girl I would roll out of bed, brush my teeth and all that, eat breakfast, get dressed (yes, in that order), and go outside and be active, or read, or build things. Other than school, little interfered with my free time. I never forgot what I was doing mid-process. I never was too sad, tired or in pain to want to get out of bed. I never thought ahead to meter out my time and energy so that I could make it through a day. I rarely worried about anything. There was nothing I couldn’t do if I tried.

The picture that is painted of adulthood for children glows brilliant with possibilities and freedom. Kids don’t see work hours and drudgery. They don’t see bills and bank accounts dipping dangerously low. Kids just see money to do things with and no adults telling them what to do or how to be. They don’t see the bosses, co-workers, other parents and community out there placing pressure on adults to adult correctly. Children don’t see doctor visits and pill caddies, medical tests and diagnoses. They don’t see doctors dismissing symptoms and insurance companies refusing medicines. Adults actively work to hide these things from them so as to not scare them about the stability and permanence of the adults in the children’s lives. Kids think everything is superheros and roses until someone grows old and grey and retires; then they go on cruises.

It’s part of the narrative we give children that falls apart as they grow up and the magic fades, along with belief in the tooth fairy and Santa Claus (I still believe though, he’s the Spirit of Giving and I dare anyone to tell me that isn’t alive during Yuletide.) Still, I wish I had known or at the very least had some awareness of how complicated it can be to be an adult. I might have enjoyed my body more while it still ran smoothly and had power and energy. No one tells you that your body might start to malfunction while you are still in what is considered the prime of your life. There is no guidebook available for the transition from capable to struggling.

Even other adults brush it aside with platitudes because everyone has aches and pains when they get older, you see. It can’t really be that bad, after all everyone gets tired now and then. Everyone gets sad and worries about things. Just cheer up and you’ll feel better. Adults are expected to suck it up and deal. We are supposed to get on with the adulting and not let things like chronic pain, fatigue, depression or anxiety affect us. Even other adults don’t want to face the reality of chronic conditions before retirement age: eyes closed, fingers in the ears, la la la la la la…

The thing is that it really is just life, but it’s a part of life that people hide. It’s not currently “normal” in modern society so we don’t want to see it or hear about it. There was a time when children grew up around birth, aging, and death. They lived life as part of the cycle, not apart from the cycle. Heck, they used to know that beef came from a cow, not from a pack at the market. Kids only know and accept what they are exposed to.

If we stopped hiding the less pleasant possibilities of life from, not just kids, but also adults, I can see life changing for the better for many people. I’m not saying to shove down children’s throats that being an adult can be difficult and that you never know when your health will fail, just stop hiding it. Stop pretending that everyone can do everything, all the time, perfectly. If it became accepted that some people just don’t have the energy or capability to be running their type A personality game 24/7/365 and we just started accepting that people will do the best within their abilities at that moment think of how much smoother life would run and how much happier everyone would be with less pressure to live up to.

Why I Hate Ground Wasps

Figuring I should be a good mom and conscript the children into forced labor in the not quite boilingly hot outdoors we went out to clear brush, move wood, and other such necessary home ownerly tasks. They are good boys, so there was no complaining about the conscription. Everything was going smoothly, although I did realize I probably should have had coffee, pain killers and a muscle relaxer first.

Then Little Bear stepped on a ground wasp nest. Well, more specifically, he stepped on the unstacked wood pile near where his brother had been working and the wood pile settling seemed to have started demolition proceedings on the nest. Needless to to say neither ground wasps nor Little Bear were at all pleased with this and much screaming and running about ensued.

This isn't the first time Little Bear and I have dealt with ground wasps. Several years ago we had an altercation with them when his school was on a hike so we already knew this was going to suck. I had him run into the house with them chasing him and then got his brother and myself into the house without any of the flying sadists. I had Little Bear strip off his pants on the back deck because that is where they had decided to go after him, straight up his pants... He was then sent to the kitchen. No tagalongs yet, but at least two bites and much screaming and tears.

A friend had just stopped by to pick up someone and offered to help so I had them go search for plantain while I found baking soda. They didn't find any, but in the meantime more screaming ensued. It turns out Little Bear had managed to bring one of his new friends inside with him and said friend was busy doing all sorts of damage through his sweatshirt! Like any good mom would do I panicked and tried to remain calm (yah, right) and got a paper towel and squished the guts out of the nasty bugger. Then we stripped everything off of him just to make sure he was bug free.

After coating him with baking soda, counting about 5-7 possible welts, and finding out our wasp death spray was empty, I went off in search of plantain partially because I knew Little Bear wouldn't be consoled until I found it even with advil and icepacks and partially because plantain really is a miracle cure for stings. I knew there was some at my older son's school so that is where I went, still no coffee and in my house grubbies and bra-less because, you know, that's what moms do.

I came home with handfuls of leaves, way more than I could possibly need, to find him still standing in the kitchen with icepacks, flaked off baking soda littering the ground around him, clutching his special stuffies, and still crying. I poulticed him up in the ancient fashion of chopped and pounded leaves covered with bandaids. Turns out there were only three real welts left after we washed off the baking soda. I'm drying the rest of the leaves I hastily harvested in case this happens again. Then we will get the chance to learn if dried leaves even work.

Then I cleaned the kitchen and had coffee. Definitely need to remember coffee before ground wasp attack next time, if there is a next time. Little Bear seems intent on no longer interacting with nature unless forced at gun point, but I deal with that particular issue once he heals.