Is insecurity really a character flaw?

This world equates attractiveness with confidence and independence.  There is a constant disparaging of insecurity.  People call it being clingy and needy, a character flaw that needs to be "fixed" and anyone who cannot "fix" it or at the very least hide it semi-successfully is a failure on top of the crime of being insecure.  This concept is no more than a hold over from when mental health care was electroshock therapy and real men didn't cry.

Lets break down the word itself.  Insecure means "not secure" and secure in this instance means "not subject to threats, certain to remain safe and unharmed, stable, and free from anxiety."  So basically being insecure means you do not feel safe, stable, and free from threat.

Say you are walking along and suddenly, with no warning at all, the ground gives out as you place your weight on it.  You fall.  It hurts.  You try to figure out what happened so you can avoid falling next time.  You pick yourself up and go on with a shrug.  A while later, it happens again.  Then at another point, again.  And again.  It gets to the point you never know which step will give out.

There is no pattern you can discern.  You just know that every time you walk there is a chance you will end up losing your footing this way.  Over time you learn to adapt somewhat.  You figure out how to catch yourself up short when you feel the ground give way.  You learn to walk more carefully, more slowly, always testing the ground.  You see other people running freely without a care in the world because the ground never gives way for them, and you are envious and at the same time glad they have safe footing even if you do not.

Now you know what it is like to be insecure.  You do not feel stable, or free from threats.  You never know if the next step is safe or not.  It does not make you a bad person.  It does not make you less than or not good enough.  It simply means that you are not in a space where you feel safe.

People with anxiety are by definition insecure.  Anxiety is a glitch in the brain, an over active fight/flight response, which in many cases is caused by a history of trauma.  You can move past insecurity (and anxiety) with time and patience, but it involves learning to trust that the ground will not give way without warning.  That is a hard thing to do when the ground keeps randomly giving way.  Think about the levels of courage and trust it takes someone to keep taking that next step knowing each time that it may be the one that drops them to the ground in pain again.

Many people can get from a place of insecurity to a place they feel secure if they work on it and if they have help and support, but insecurity is more often than not a symptom of lack of safety and stability in a person's life or past, not a character flaw and should be treated as such, not demeaned by the people who do not bother to understand it.

Why is one person's passion "less" simply due to level of education required?

Somethings about our world make no sense.

Everyone knocks fast food workers, but most people eat fast food. What if someone truly loved working in fast food? What if it was the job that gave them true fulfillment? They would be told it's an entry level job, that they need to spend tons of money and go to college to earn a degree in a field that is not nearly as fulfilling to them to get a job they hate just to make more money.  They would be looked down on for fulfilling their passion, all the while treated as less then, and likely as unintelligent, simply due to their method of earning income.

On the other hand, what if that is the only job someone can hold?  What if that is where their skills lie and even with training and patience they will never be successful in another career?  What about the people who went to trade schools instead of college?  Those who work with their hands instead of their brains?  And what about the people who simply do not care, the people who simply want to be service drones, put in their hours then go home and live their lives?

Why shouldn't someone be able to support themselves working in a job they truly love, even if it's one that isn't "good enough" in the eyes of society? Why do we honor people's passions with paychecks they can live on only if those passions need degrees from four year universities?  Why does it require a college degree to earn enough money to support yourself "respectably"?  Why would anyone think that there should be full time jobs that do not pay enough to support a person working diligently at them?  We are not talking getting rich flipping burgers, simply able to pay for food, bills, medical care, and a roof over your head.

Everyone agrees that basic fast food work should not pay as much as a four (or more) year degree trained field, there is something to be said about rewarding the extra work, effort, expense, training, and skill involved after all, but why are the people who can and want to put in the extra time and money the only people who deserve to be treated respectably by the rest of society?  Why are they the only ones who deserve the most basic of financial stability?  Why are their passions the only ones society values?  Why do we link income and education level to worthiness?  Stop and think about it.

They Never Told Me: Ruminations on Aging and Expectations

When I was a little girl I would roll out of bed, brush my teeth and all that, eat breakfast, get dressed (yes, in that order), and go outside and be active, or read, or build things. Other than school, little interfered with my free time. I never forgot what I was doing mid-process. I never was too sad, tired or in pain to want to get out of bed. I never thought ahead to meter out my time and energy so that I could make it through a day. I rarely worried about anything. There was nothing I couldn’t do if I tried.

The picture that is painted of adulthood for children glows brilliant with possibilities and freedom. Kids don’t see work hours and drudgery. They don’t see bills and bank accounts dipping dangerously low. Kids just see money to do things with and no adults telling them what to do or how to be. They don’t see the bosses, co-workers, other parents and community out there placing pressure on adults to adult correctly. Children don’t see doctor visits and pill caddies, medical tests and diagnoses. They don’t see doctors dismissing symptoms and insurance companies refusing medicines. Adults actively work to hide these things from them so as to not scare them about the stability and permanence of the adults in the children’s lives. Kids think everything is superheros and roses until someone grows old and grey and retires; then they go on cruises.

It’s part of the narrative we give children that falls apart as they grow up and the magic fades, along with belief in the tooth fairy and Santa Claus (I still believe though, he’s the Spirit of Giving and I dare anyone to tell me that isn’t alive during Yuletide.) Still, I wish I had known or at the very least had some awareness of how complicated it can be to be an adult. I might have enjoyed my body more while it still ran smoothly and had power and energy. No one tells you that your body might start to malfunction while you are still in what is considered the prime of your life. There is no guidebook available for the transition from capable to struggling.

Even other adults brush it aside with platitudes because everyone has aches and pains when they get older, you see. It can’t really be that bad, after all everyone gets tired now and then. Everyone gets sad and worries about things. Just cheer up and you’ll feel better. Adults are expected to suck it up and deal. We are supposed to get on with the adulting and not let things like chronic pain, fatigue, depression or anxiety affect us. Even other adults don’t want to face the reality of chronic conditions before retirement age: eyes closed, fingers in the ears, la la la la la la…

The thing is that it really is just life, but it’s a part of life that people hide. It’s not currently “normal” in modern society so we don’t want to see it or hear about it. There was a time when children grew up around birth, aging, and death. They lived life as part of the cycle, not apart from the cycle. Heck, they used to know that beef came from a cow, not from a pack at the market. Kids only know and accept what they are exposed to.

If we stopped hiding the less pleasant possibilities of life from, not just kids, but also adults, I can see life changing for the better for many people. I’m not saying to shove down children’s throats that being an adult can be difficult and that you never know when your health will fail, just stop hiding it. Stop pretending that everyone can do everything, all the time, perfectly. If it became accepted that some people just don’t have the energy or capability to be running their type A personality game 24/7/365 and we just started accepting that people will do the best within their abilities at that moment think of how much smoother life would run and how much happier everyone would be with less pressure to live up to.